Warning: don’t read if you don’t want to hear about sore boobs, nausea and urine.

So. We found out that I was pregnant on the 6 June last year. I was none the wiser, but Johny commented that I had been constantly complaining about sore boobs for weeks and suggested I should take a pregnancy test. I was all like no way, I barely get my period anyway so I can’t be pregnant, it’ll just be one of those things. A few hours later, I was sitting on the toilet peeing on a stick (actually it was into a container then syringed onto the stick, which is kinda gross). I impatiently waited for the result to come up as negative.

No such luck! Pregnant. Positive. Boom. I went into a weird, shocked kinda state and started shaking. Nope. Can’t be. Don’t believe it. So off we went down the road to buy another test. Not long after… Yup. Still positive. HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE WE DONE!!! Johny was smiling from ear to ear while I went from smiling to getting teary-eyed to WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! Holy shitballs we made a baby. This can’t be real. And I still didn’t believe it until I went to the doctors to get the blood tests and all that, and surely enough yep, still pregnant. I was about 6 weeks pregnant by this stage, and started to feel REALLY guilty when I realised I’d had a big night out at about 3/4 weeks. To make things worse, I’d had a car crash at the very beginning of the pregnancy when I had no idea, so I thought for sure this little baby/embryo thing wouldn’t make it.

I was in my state of shock for most of the first half of the pregnancy if I’m honest. I was in denial, almost didn’t want to be excited because I was so nervous and just had no idea what I was in for. I literally didn’t know a fucking THING about pregnancy, let alone babies or being a parent! So Google has been my best friend (and worst enemy, thank you leaking nipples). Honestly looking back I would say I was actually a bit resentful about the whole thing. I felt guilty because I thought I should be feeling all these lovely, excited, hormonal, motherly feelings but I just didn’t. I felt scared, nervous, anxious, sad, and pretty damn unhappy with the way my body was changing and the way I felt. I had morning sickness on and off (not major but a lot of nausea) as well as feeling dizzy and just generally tired and hungry all the time. My body was like what the fuuuuuck is going on here mate, I want to sleep at breakfast time (literally fell asleep while eating breakfast one morning), oh nah just kidding I want to cry about cute animals on TV, oh look there’s a tub of ice cream, why don’t you just eat the whole thing?!

I’m kinda disappointed that I didn’t get any whacky cravings like dirt or chalk. I just wanted copious amounts of ice cream, seafood, potato chips, fruit, and whatever else popped into my mind at the time. Poor Johny was doing ice cream runs at stupid o’clock just to avoid me being hangry (fair call coz that is NOT a pleasant sight) and also putting up with me crying at the drop of a hat or spending all day in bed because… Just because.

I will admit it now, I am fuckin lucky to have Johny. I have no idea how the hell I would have made it to this point without him. So many people talk about their partners going out on the piss all the time and leaving them at home alone, or just generally being a compassionless fuckwit and not helping out with anything. Johny dived into the whole ‘support person’ role pretty quickly, and although I know he would probably love to have some time away from me, he has been super understanding of my anxious self who can’t stand being alone at night time. Don’t get me wrong, he still goes out when he has something on, or drinks when we go to family events or whatever, but he’s been pretty damn amazing when it comes to being supportive and loving no matter what emotional rollercoaster I happen to be on.

There are so many things that people don’t tell you about being pregnant. Unfortunately I have probably forgotten some of the initial things I found out by now, because pregnancy brain is a real thing. They don’t tell you that you have to find a midwife online (what the fuck?) but I got lucky in that department and called a couple of different ones then decided on mine because she sounded so lovely and warm even over the phone. They also don’t tell you that your boobs FUCKING HURT and especially your nipples, they’re a no-go zone for basically the entire pregnancy. Oh and how about the fact that if you’re a relatively small person, you just look like you have a weird tummy pouch until you’re like 20 weeks pregnant, and probably for even longer than that. I didn’t have a proper bump until about 28 weeks, but I had expected people to kinda be able to tell that I was pregnant without the awkward “is it a baby or is it a big mac?” vibe.

I’m totally not helping those of you who haven’t had a baby yet. There is so much more I could add to the list but honestly, I’d be here all day writing it. People say that pregnancy is so beautiful and magical and wonderful and I’m over here like… Fucking bullshit, the only magical thing is the fact that we literally made another human being but apart from that, pregnancy is fuckin gross and uncomfortable and downright not pretty. This is just my experience and opinion on it though, so I’m fully stoked for you if you had a wonderful, beautiful, magical experience with pregnancy but come on guys, really?

Oh, you’ve probably guessed by now but I have a serious potty mouth. Sorry not sorry 🙂


Note: Johny wants everyone to know that he came up with the title for this post, because he thinks he’s a fucking genius.