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A crazy little thing called love.

The ramblings of a 20-something year old mama

Month

January 2017

a side of baby-brain word salad

Warning: this post is a mixture of thoughts jumbled up into one… Better known as word salad thanks to Johny and his love of Boston Legal.

So, now is the part where we move onto the second trimester as I covered most of the first tri in the last post. This is where things got real and we got to see our little baby on a screen again. This time we were at 20 weeks and we got to find out whether we were having a girl or a boy. I think I would have reacted the same way regardless of the outcome, but I cried and had this weird overwhelming ‘holy shit this is our daughter’ feeling.

The second trimester was definitely the easiest for me as this is when things calmed down a bit apart from intermittent morning sickness and just generally feeling tired. Some people apparently get a burst of energy in this trimester but that definitely didn’t happen for me! I guess growing a human is pretty hard work on our little bodies!

I’m going to skip through this bit as it’s not overly interesting and the third trimester is where all the fun shit happens. One thing that they don’t tell you is that you have weird ass dreams throughout pregnancy, and I’m sure they’ve gotten worse during the last leg. Mine have gone from being a character in the Harry Potter movies (don’t ask), to Johny and I breaking up, to friends dying, murderers chasing me and all sorts of horrible and out of it labour/baby scenarios.

I’m now in my 37th week which is considered full term so basically could give birth safely any day now until about 42 weeks. This is why due dates are irrelevant, they should just give you a due month because let’s be honest that’s way more realistic. I’m not looking forward to updating everyone every fucking second once we get to the due date (everyone seems to think that babies are likely to be born on their due date which is a load of crap coz every single birth/pregnancy is so different). Babies come when they want to! I have learnt to accept this as she could arrive well before the due date or even two weeks after, there’s no reason to worry unless your midwife or doctor or whatever says there is. I have been REALLY bloody lucky to have a relatively cruisy pregnancy. When I say cruisy I don’t mean sitting on the beach sipping mocktails with my feet up. I just mean compared to other pregnancies I have heard of or seen then I feel pretty grateful.

Talking about mocktails, I didn’t even think twice about not drinking for the most part of this pregnancy. It’s only been since Christmas/New Year that I’ve felt like I’m missing out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wishing I could be getting smashed right now (although I’ve had dreams about getting wasted whilst heavily pregnant!) but hell it would be nice to enjoy a cold beer or wine with everyone else. It’s fuckin hard sitting there with people drinking all around you while you sip on your water and have your ribs squished by this little human squirming around whilst contending with a sore back. Comfort becomes a thing of the past in the last few weeks of pregnancy. You really don’t realise how much of a toll it takes on your body till then! And don’t get me started on sleeping, that’s a logistical nightmare, especially combined with the need to pee every FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.

There are so many things I could rant about but one of my (our) huge adjustments has been trying to keep our social lives alive in the midst of the biggest changes and challenges we will ever face. It’s really hard when the majority of the people around you don’t have kids/haven’t been pregnant because it honestly feels like you have entered a different world to them. I guess in a sense you are in a completely different phase of life, like hey, now we have a tiny dependent human living in my womb and sorry but we can’t do everything that we used to do. I’ve found that the best type of friends are the ones who you can go for coffee with or sit and play board games with for hours on end. And the ones you don’t have to talk to every five seconds because you have this mutual understanding that life just gets hectic at times.

It’s harder to explain to people who haven’t been through it, but being pregnant really makes you feel like you’re the outsider. I know even Johny has struggled with this, wedged between wanting to support me and wanting to go out with his friends. Your priorities just completely shift when you find out you are going to be parents. Because it’s no longer about you, it’s no longer about your partner, it’s about “us” as a family – this wee helpless creature will rely on us for everything for quite some time. Even though we both want that change it’s still fucking hard (and will only get harder) to adjust.

On a lighter note though, this is the point where I’ve finally let myself get really excited about the fact that we get to bring our little babe into the world! Johny has been excited since day dot but I have struggled to get to that point because of a mix of things – challenges of pregnancy, worrying about how everything is going to pan out, worrying about money, our relationship and challenges, anxiety and depression escalating and ending up with me on medication (no judgements please – I tried everything before resorting to meds). But hey, we are almost there now and this baby is going to be our pride and joy! It will literally be the hugest challenge of our lives but as we’ve been told it’s the most rewarding challenge you could ever face.

I’ve been full on nesting, like there’s pretty much nothing left for me to do at home which was probably a shit decision on my behalf but I got too into it and set everything up within about four days. People say you don’t need to have baby’s room set up and blah blah blah because they won’t be in it for a while but I would rather have it done now than leave it till when our daughter is screaming the house down for the boob or a poop explosion and we have no time to get anything done haha.

Anyway this has become a full blown ramble so I’ll stop here… Next time I’ll talk about all the fun shit that you learn about in antenatal classes like bloody shows, diarrhoea and baby’s first poo (which is basically like tar). So if you don’t want to read about that then here’s your trigger warning well in advance 😀

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one small step for pikelet, one giant leap for pancake.

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Warning: don’t read if you don’t want to hear about sore boobs, nausea and urine.

So. We found out that I was pregnant on the 6 June last year. I was none the wiser, but Johny commented that I had been constantly complaining about sore boobs for weeks and suggested I should take a pregnancy test. I was all like no way, I barely get my period anyway so I can’t be pregnant, it’ll just be one of those things. A few hours later, I was sitting on the toilet peeing on a stick (actually it was into a container then syringed onto the stick, which is kinda gross). I impatiently waited for the result to come up as negative.

No such luck! Pregnant. Positive. Boom. I went into a weird, shocked kinda state and started shaking. Nope. Can’t be. Don’t believe it. So off we went down the road to buy another test. Not long after… Yup. Still positive. HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE WE DONE!!! Johny was smiling from ear to ear while I went from smiling to getting teary-eyed to WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! Holy shitballs we made a baby. This can’t be real. And I still didn’t believe it until I went to the doctors to get the blood tests and all that, and surely enough yep, still pregnant. I was about 6 weeks pregnant by this stage, and started to feel REALLY guilty when I realised I’d had a big night out at about 3/4 weeks. To make things worse, I’d had a car crash at the very beginning of the pregnancy when I had no idea, so I thought for sure this little baby/embryo thing wouldn’t make it.

I was in my state of shock for most of the first half of the pregnancy if I’m honest. I was in denial, almost didn’t want to be excited because I was so nervous and just had no idea what I was in for. I literally didn’t know a fucking THING about pregnancy, let alone babies or being a parent! So Google has been my best friend (and worst enemy, thank you leaking nipples). Honestly looking back I would say I was actually a bit resentful about the whole thing. I felt guilty because I thought I should be feeling all these lovely, excited, hormonal, motherly feelings but I just didn’t. I felt scared, nervous, anxious, sad, and pretty damn unhappy with the way my body was changing and the way I felt. I had morning sickness on and off (not major but a lot of nausea) as well as feeling dizzy and just generally tired and hungry all the time. My body was like what the fuuuuuck is going on here mate, I want to sleep at breakfast time (literally fell asleep while eating breakfast one morning), oh nah just kidding I want to cry about cute animals on TV, oh look there’s a tub of ice cream, why don’t you just eat the whole thing?!

I’m kinda disappointed that I didn’t get any whacky cravings like dirt or chalk. I just wanted copious amounts of ice cream, seafood, potato chips, fruit, and whatever else popped into my mind at the time. Poor Johny was doing ice cream runs at stupid o’clock just to avoid me being hangry (fair call coz that is NOT a pleasant sight) and also putting up with me crying at the drop of a hat or spending all day in bed because… Just because.

I will admit it now, I am fuckin lucky to have Johny. I have no idea how the hell I would have made it to this point without him. So many people talk about their partners going out on the piss all the time and leaving them at home alone, or just generally being a compassionless fuckwit and not helping out with anything. Johny dived into the whole ‘support person’ role pretty quickly, and although I know he would probably love to have some time away from me, he has been super understanding of my anxious self who can’t stand being alone at night time. Don’t get me wrong, he still goes out when he has something on, or drinks when we go to family events or whatever, but he’s been pretty damn amazing when it comes to being supportive and loving no matter what emotional rollercoaster I happen to be on.

There are so many things that people don’t tell you about being pregnant. Unfortunately I have probably forgotten some of the initial things I found out by now, because pregnancy brain is a real thing. They don’t tell you that you have to find a midwife online (what the fuck?) but I got lucky in that department and called a couple of different ones then decided on mine because she sounded so lovely and warm even over the phone. They also don’t tell you that your boobs FUCKING HURT and especially your nipples, they’re a no-go zone for basically the entire pregnancy. Oh and how about the fact that if you’re a relatively small person, you just look like you have a weird tummy pouch until you’re like 20 weeks pregnant, and probably for even longer than that. I didn’t have a proper bump until about 28 weeks, but I had expected people to kinda be able to tell that I was pregnant without the awkward “is it a baby or is it a big mac?” vibe.

I’m totally not helping those of you who haven’t had a baby yet. There is so much more I could add to the list but honestly, I’d be here all day writing it. People say that pregnancy is so beautiful and magical and wonderful and I’m over here like… Fucking bullshit, the only magical thing is the fact that we literally made another human being but apart from that, pregnancy is fuckin gross and uncomfortable and downright not pretty. This is just my experience and opinion on it though, so I’m fully stoked for you if you had a wonderful, beautiful, magical experience with pregnancy but come on guys, really?

Oh, you’ve probably guessed by now but I have a serious potty mouth. Sorry not sorry 🙂

 

Note: Johny wants everyone to know that he came up with the title for this post, because he thinks he’s a fucking genius.

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