So I sit here reading through my old blog posts and I’m thinking what the actual fuck was I going on about, so I’ve deleted them. My past is important but it’s not the be-all and end-all of my story. I decided to give my blog a revamp and get some honest, raw posts going to help get it all off my chest and hopefully to make other people realise that they’re not crazy (or maybe we are but it’s totally normal).
I’m almost 25 weeks pregnant with my (our) first baby. To give you a bit of background, my partner Johny and I got together a couple of years ago after becoming close friends, but we have had some super rough patches in between.
We went through some serious shit to get where we are today, and we have now been back together since the beginning of the year and are better than ever. It took a while to sort our shit out, to get back on track, and to get to a point where we couldn’t actually fathom living without each other. I am more than happy that we made the decision to make it work, and a fateful last-minute reunion early this year brought us back together. We realised that we had both made the mistake of trying to let the other go, and moving on just wasn’t working for either of us.
I can confidently say now that we are solid as a rock, and we understand each other more and more as time passes by. We still face challenges since getting back together, but as each challenge comes we manage to get through it better than the last. One huge thing has been finding out that we are going to be parents, and honestly it could not be a happier time in both of our lives. I think back to this time last year and we were so rocky, and don’t get me wrong we still have our moments, but at the end of the day we both know we’d much rather fall asleep content that the other feels happy and loved. Another huge thing has been a combination of anxiety and depression between the both of us, and although not a lot of people know it, we have both struggled over the past couple of years.
We are going to be parents!! As in, someone’s Mum and Dad!! Someone’s whole life and heart and soul (and she will be ours). I cannot wait to meet her. Pregnancy has been the biggest rollercoaster but honestly I know it will be worth it once Pikelet arrives. (Side note: yes, Pikelet is her nickname – for some reason Johny calls me Pancake and so baby became known as Pikelet).
I feel sorry for Johny knowing that he feels helpless while I throw up, or get dizzy and nauseous, or cry because the bacon stuck to the bottom of the fucking pan or because I can’t fit into my favourite dress. He doesn’t know how to make it better (because he can’t) but he helps all the same with a hug and all the reassurances in the world. I know that he will still find me beautiful when I’m in labour, huge and sweaty and horrible and an emotional wreck. He will still manage to tell me I’m doing great and that I look pretty even when I have given birth and could not give two fucks about my hair or the fact that I have a saggy weird looking belly and boobs. I already know that he is going to be the most loving, caring, beautiful father to our daughter and I know that my heart will ache and the tears will flow when I finally get to see them together. It will make all the gross, difficult, teary, emotional moments worth it. More than worth it. In fact I will probably say I would do it all again just for her (but I totally wouldn’t because fuck that – just kidding).
Life changes so quickly, and it is so different to where we were at a year ago. I am so, so grateful that everything is working out for us. We have a healthy little baby kicking around inside my tummy, we have a roof over our head, and we have love in our hearts and souls. I can’t wait to meet you, little Pikelet. You are already the best thing that’s ever happened to me, alongside your Dad who helped make you a reality.
I can’t believe how soppy I just got… Trust me, it doesn’t happen often. But I think the prospect of growing a mini human that will call us Mummy and Daddy has softened me up a hell of a lot.
So this is just one part of my story, and I guess I will have to fill in the gaps from earlier in pregnancy since we partly kept it a secret until the 12 week scan.